“Bob was a builder. He was about 3’6” tall and weighed 68.37 pounds. He had brown hair but he always wore a yellow construction helmet. He had beady black eyes and a thin smile. He always wore a tool belt and blue overalls. He also always wore a plaid shirt.”
How’s that for a description? It has some pretty good details, right? Ok, I’ll admit it. That was a baited question. When asked to give more description in a paper, this is what most students will do. While the details are great, descriptions like this present a few problems:
- They usually overuse pronouns
- They break up action in a paper
- They sound like they are meeting a requirement
Let’s look at pronoun use in our example. Every sentence, besides the first one, starts with the pronoun “he.” Repeatedly using pronouns, or anything else for that matter, in a paragraph makes for a very choppy read. It makes it difficult for the reader to get into a rhythm. This monotony is one reason why the previously described style of writing is not the best.
Another thing that these descriptions do is that they break up action. For example, all the information in the sample description is good information. However, it comes all at once. Besides being choppy on its own, it hinders the flow of the paper. Assuming that the rest of a paper flows, a chunk of choppy, descriptive text can trash the paper.
A requirement list is like a list of ingredients, giving the essentials of what is needed to complete a paper (or recipe). Let’s say that the given paper requires a description. This is one ingredient. Imagine that someone took all the ingredients for a cake, individually baked them, and then mixed them all together. That would make for a disgusting cake. Just like a cake is more than just a random mixture of ingredients, a paper is more that just a compilation of required elements. A chunk of description in a paper is like a chunk of salt in a cake.
So what is a better way? Keeping with the cake analogy, mix up the ingredients before you bake them. Spread your descriptions throughout the paper, mixing them with action. Tell how Bob pushed his yellow helmet back as he wiped the sweat from his plastic brow. Tell how his plaid shirt ripped on a nail while he was reaching for a tool on his belt.
Description is to show, but when you show, make it flow.
1 comment:
i like the cake analogy... coupled with that is my personal goal of never using the same key word or adjective twice in a sentence (absolutely) or the same paragraph (trickier, but possible)... when making a cake, each ingredient is added once and at the proper time for optimal effect... same for a polished writing effort!
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